I needed to make a page about being trans. As of writing this, it is June 4th, 2026. It is pride month, and I do not feel enthused. I am not aware of when Trans Day of Visibility is, and last year when I attended my city's pride, I left early because I felt so alone I started to cry. Funnily enough, I don't feel as alone anymore, but it's because I actually do take a bit of comfort in the fact that being a mess is kind of baked into the trans experience. Anyway, I wanted to talk about being trans in short little essays on this page, as well as link places to donate to, as my trans brothers and sisters need all the help they can get in this ever changing, sometimes hostile world. I need all the help I can get sometimes. I can't afford surgery, and it makes me really dysphoric sometimes.
This page will grow and change like the rest of my website, but this is very personal to me, and I want it to be proof of who I am, and I hope people can feel inspired and challenged and comforted by it. It's really for me, honestly. It will be very honest.
I probably should start this off by saying that I am AFAB, and a trans man. I've known I was a guy for a very long time actually, even if I didn't have the words or even the knowledge to express it.
I'll talk about the hints I had growing up that I was trans, because I think they're funny, but they are not WHY I'm trans, they were just indictaors to me that "oh, shit, I'm a dude."
I remember whenever I was singing something with my friends or family I would offer to sing the guy part in songs, mostly because I didn't care and it felt more comfortable to me. I learned after dating a few straight men that this is not a common occurance. Straight people very rarely have the desire to even dip their toes into what it's like to be the other gender outside of mild curiosity, because they are fine with how they are. I was not. I hated being a girl for so many reasons. But this was often renforced when I would even bring it up. I don't even remember the situation that clearly but I remember one time I did this and there was someone else who said, "Why would you sing the guy, you're a girl." as if it was just unheard of. I think I kind of internalized that. I have had people passive aggressively sing at me forcing me into a feminine role and it is always a weird, cringy experience.
I used to have long curly hair that got into knots because I didn't brush it, and when my mom said I had to get a haircut, I asked to get it really short. She agreed, because I was a kid. I had no concept of trans or anything like that, I just wanted my hair to be short and "boyish." Well, this would be the first of a handful of haircuts where when I said, "short," the hairdresser heard "Edwardian-era ugly old lady poodle ass mop." It didn't so much as make me look boyish, as it did make me look older or like Annie. But I digress. There were better haircuts, but as I went on I kind of decided I just wanted to grow my hair out anyway for style, and I kind of want it to be all big and poofy like men from the 70s-90s. I love my natural hair, and I am trying to take better care of it. I also save money by learning how to do it myself, or just simply not going to a hair salon or barber shop. I'm honestly too afraid to go to a barber shop because it feels like a comradery that I am instantly not a part of, but in another vein, the best haircut I ever got was from the first dude who cut my hair. I used to dye my hair too, but the same is true. I just don't want to spend the money. I do like having black hair though.
Another hint that I might have been trans was because when I did choir growing up, I was always put in alto. Now this isn't true, but it always felt to me like the pretty talented girl singers were always put in soprano, and I wanted to be in it purely so I could show my skill. It felt like the "it" side of the choir. It felt like the alto section was where the manly and unattractive girls went, and I didn't want to be one of those, and it was way too easy for me to sing the alto part. I wanted to challenge myself. I was curious about being a tenor, but I was mostly annoyed that the boys never seemed to do anything in choir, so it didn't seem like a high standard for me. But then I joined a choir where there were men in the alto and soprano and women in the tenor and bass and they were all equally trying, and that whole perspective changed. I felt a lot more comfortable in alto and not the immediate need to switch anywhere, because it wasn't about social hierchy or gender, it was about where you could sing most comfortably. (yeah duh)
This wasn't the only time I would feel I needed to overcompensate femininity because I felt like an imposter in my own gender. I would experiment with makeup a ton in high school, and in 2020 when I had nothing better to do. I felt like my taste in fashion was always off, I didn't know what the trends were at the time, I was just attempting what I saw sometimes. I HATED wearing skirts and dresses, and I ended up wearing a suit to prom twice. I felt more comfortable that way. I also was one of the only people in my school to attempt this, attempt anything fashion wise, so in many ways I stuck out like a sore thumb. As I started to become more familiar with the LGBTQ, I became more aware of concepts like gender and identity, and drag. The first time I tried drawing a mustache, it felt like something clicked for me.
There were many others, I may add them, might not. As for discovering I was trans, it was a long, painful process.
The first realization that I might even be queer was in middle school, where I developed a crush on Cherry from the Outsiders, a book and movie that our literature teacher made us watch. I then developed a crush on my classmate, and told her that I liked her. We were in a Christian school, and it was stupid of me to believe she would stay quiet about that, leading my parents to eventually find out. (funny enough, she ended up being a lesbian. Not the first time something like that happened to me. She bothered me a little bit, but we were aquaintences through high school) My parents were pissed, and kind of tried to convince me I was confused when I told them I was bisexual. They eventually convinced me I was wrong for a short period of time. I would end up liking and dating a few women after that but mostly men.
Finding out I was trans was different, and kind of an experience I had to go through on my own. At first, in high school, I came to the opinion that I was a straight cis asexual. I had some traumatic experiences regarding sex to lead me to believe this, and still thinking I was, I don't know, "following God" by being asexual. This lead to a whole unpacking of my Christian faith and what I believed in, but I'm not going to talk about that here. Anyway, I'm not really sure when things for me started to change. I had a good friend in high school who is not my friend anymore, who kind of helped me learn a lot about myself, and I think I would be very different if I had not met them. I'm so thankful for them even though we don't talk anymore. (mostly my decision) Anyway, I figured out while with them that I was nonbinary. That felt comfortable for a while, but not quite right, and I knew why. I knew I really wanted to be a boy.
I actually did identify with my trans identity for a short time in high school, but it was hard because no one I knew took me seriously. I also knew it was a big change and putting me at risk to even tell anyone, so I didn't, except for that one friend I mentioned. There was a time before I had done this where a group of kids who bullied me frequently found my Tiktok, found a video where I was jokingly having another friend call me sir, and they used that as proof that I was trans. They then spent an entire gym class making fun of me, mockingly asking me if I was a boy, and one of the girls who didn't like me seriously went up to the teacher and asked if I should be allowed in the girls locker room. Mind you, this was all from a joke, I didn't even identify as male at this time, so you can see why I was hesitant to tell anyone when I actually did identify as male. (Funny enough, this person is also trans now as well, so all future insults and degredations I took very lightly or not at all because apparently its very revealing idk)
So I identified as nonbinary for a long time, because I didn't think anyone would see me or respect me as a boy. The whole concept of sex and surgery were ones I didn't even allow myself to think about. I just felt wrong. Even advocating for my they/them pronouns felt like a stretch, but that felt easier than telling people I was a boy. Even to this day, my parents know that I'm nonbinary, and they barely call me the old name I chose, even in public, even when I remind them. They still call me my deadname and it hurts. I used to work in a fast food place, and when I would run food out to people, I would love when they couldn't tell what my gender was when thanking me for the food. When it really stung was when they could. I remember running food out to this man, and he began to say "Thank you, sir-" and then he looked at my boobs, which have always been, well, obvious, and boobs, and corrected himself to say "ma'am." It felt horrible.
I felt like I was hiding myself even while in a supposed community that was supposed to welcome me with open arms. God knows not everyone in the community is perfect, and I want to talk about this too. Again, I don't remember when I made the realization, "No..I'm trans." It kind of just happened. When it did, when everything felt like it was making sense, I felt small. I felt like I wasn't allowed. So I went to my sibling who was doing makeup at the time, and I said, "Hey, I'm trans." I just wanted to tell someone how I was feeling. And she said, "I know." Apparently she thought I had already come out, maybe I did, I don't remember, but then she said, "Who cares?"
And that struck me as rude at first, I guess because I was expecting a hug and I love you, (my sibling is not at all like this and its fine) but then thinking about it, I realized that was the most perfect thing she could have said. The first thing I remember someone who bullied me saying was, "No one cares." And this is very true. I had spent so much time worrying about what other people thought of me, how I am percieved, that I just completely forgot I am allowed to have an opinion. To exist.
So I started packing. I had already started wearing boxers and not shaving which is a personally choice for me but it helped me feel so much better. Again, I cannot afford top or bottom surgery, but that feels way down the line for me. I realized it's more than okay to start being comfortable with who I am now, not just how I eventually want to present.
And I like things about myself now. Suprisingly, I love my hairy armpits. Some people, some biological men and women, cannot stand body hair there, on themselves, or on other people. I realized before I realized I was trans that regardless of my gender, I like things about my apperance that some people just don't. Does that make my opinion invalid? No! And if you're reading this thinking all of my problems would have been solved if I just had better self esteem...you are absolutely correct. Anyway, I love my hairy armpits! I love my baby mustache. Body hair is really something that makes me feel like I'm living in my own skin and kind of helps with gender dysphoria. I'm also attracted to it on men and women. I love mustaches. It's for these reasons I portray body hair in my art sometimes.
It really is all about accepting yourself first and then surrounding yourself with the right people. I have gotten into relationships realizing that I didn't know who I was, and because of that, I realized I was dating the wrong person. I'm not shrinking myself for a fugly man anymore. I am the fugly man. I need to find another fugly man and we can be fugly together but in a good way. Embrace that you are not everyone's type. FIND OUT WHAT YOUR TYPE IS, HOLY SHIT. Anyway. I am relatively happy where I am at now. I love being trans. I hope we can get to a place in this world where everyone who is trans loves being trans. It's not always easy. I don't think it would be easy in a perfect world either.
So being trans of course comes with tons of mental hoops one must jump through. The act of confirming and affirming yourself to be trans is a pain in the ass. Not really, but kind of. If you grew up in a homophobic household like I did, you have to overcome the idea that you are well, wrong, objectively. When you socialize with other queer people you have to rewire your thinking. Yeah, you may think that you support queer people at every turn because you're one of them and you love them, right? Well, be prepared for intrusive thoughts and self hatred that only decided to surface now that you are finally in a safe atmosphere, none of the hostility actually directed at them, but towards yourself. It's a lot of mental work. I have great respect for the trans people who have found a queer therapist. My deep hope is that the world gets better and that we get to a point where LGBTQ therapists are easily accessible.
If I may talk about one of my shortcomings, I struggle with something that I would like to label as trans jealousy. I am 100% certain that this is not new, and there probably is another name for this emotion: I also don't give a fuck.
Recently, the finale for The Amazing Digital Circus came out, where one of the characters, Jax, is revealed to be a trans woman. She does not blatantly confirm this in the show, but it is heavily implied, there is theming in the episode from I Saw the TV Glow, which is point blank a trans movie, and the creator later comes out and admits it point blank. Now, I will be 100% trans(ha)perant. The fandom for TADC was shit. Is shit. Has been (Hazbin) shit. I did not expect the fandom to take the news that the main male character being a girl well, especially with all of the content slop oversexualizing Pomni and Jax. But a realization that I made is that isn't the fandom. Those are idiots trying to make a buck off of a popular franchise, and to my knowledge, (though TADC content is not really in my field of view anymore so I wouldn't know) they stopped a long time ago. The actual fandom responded with absolute love for girl Jax. I have seen some incredible fanart. She has been nothing but cherished. If there was any hatred, I heard none of it, and it was drowned out by the overwhelming almost love for this character being seen in a new light.
While I was happy, because I am trans, of course it is nice to see representation, a part of me felt bitter and dejected, and I didn't know why I felt that way. I should be happy. I should be overjoyed that a trans character is being looked on with such affection, right? But I didn't. And I think the reason I felt that way was because I felt a little bit of a "Why not me?" moment. And to be fair, I am a trans man. Men have seen plenty of representation since forever, and I tried to tell myself that, but that wasn't quite it.
I wondered what the reaction would have been if Ragatha became a boy. There's actually a wonderful audio fanfiction with fanart about this on Youtube, and it's beautiful. I love it. But it did occur to me. The fandom has been awful. There was a LOT of backlash for Ragatha being herself. I cannot imagine the situation would have been the same. There might have been an uproar. And this made me really really sad.
In real life, I often feel invisible. And if I am visbile, people automatically assume I am a girl. "Oh, get surgery." The fact that is the first response is apalling to me. Yes. I want to get the surgery to chop my tits off. 1. It's expensive, I'm not sure if I will ever get that money, 2. I am a boy regardless of whatever parts are stuck to my body. When I went to pride this year, I was conversating with a few people, and then I had to leave, and all of the people I was talking to just in passing called me she. Not on purpose, but it still stung. I hate my chest. It is incredibly hard to believe that you are worthy of affection, platonic love, romantic love, and sexual attraction the way you are when you are trans.
I felt a jealousy and a bit of anger, that this fictional character you could just put a dress on her and love her the same way, because that is not how the world works. That hasn't been how my world worked, when I was forced to wear a dress to nice events and where people don't even think about calling me the right name, because they don't care about me.
I don't hate Jax. I actually think she's a cool character. None of my hatred was at Jax, or the fandom really for making such cool art. I just wished that was me. Loved with open arms. Accepted. Theorizing ways to help him look more masculine and having a group of friends who like me.
If it isn't too much to say, I want to see more trans male characters. I hate saying that, because I used to think that it wasn't that important for me to see myself in media, but I would advocate for black people in this regard, or other queer people in this regard. 100%. I would say something in support. But then when it came to myself, I didn't have an opinion. I do. I want to see a trans male character get just as much love as Jax did.
The only character I could think of is Viktor from Arcane. He is not even canonically trans to my knowledge, and this makes me angry as well, because he's just a more effeminite man in comparison to Jayce, who is the stereotypical picture of masculinity. People love to portray him as weaker, because he is, but it makes me sick. He is not less of a man if he was trans, he is not less of a man in comparison to Jayce. In fact, if you compare the two characters, they're kind of two sides of the same coin, one being the stereotype, and the other a kind of beauty and strength that comes from quietness. Viktor carved out his masculinity himself. I think a lot of trans men can relate to that. I love Viktor. However, he isn't canonically trans. When can we get a man who is canonically trans? When can we get a man who dares to be vulnerable and raw? I want that type of man. I want to be that type of man.
While I am thankful that my trans sisters get representation, I in no way want them to stop getting representation, I know why it doesn't feel right. They are reaching for something that I never wanted to be. Trans women bloom into flowers and goddesses and dare to change themselves from the inside out just to experience the world in their way. It is brave. It is beautiful. It is an experience that is so similar to mine, and yet not mine. My journey, the one of becoming a man, is indeed one of tooth and nail, but it is also one of quiet. Rest and rain, opening my arms to let nature embrace me. It is fire, but it is also the sea. Strength, but also rejuvination. Beauty in a different way.
I can relate to Jax's experiences, I can appreciate what she is, what she represents, however I would love to see more trans male representation. I feel sorry for feeling so jealous. I have felt unloved for so long. It is hard to see others living lives I wish I could live, but I am not unhappy for them. Quite the opposite. I hope, however, that I can get the chance to see myself this way too.