05/18/26 - What are you capable of if nothing was in your way?

05/20/26 - You could not handle me at my silliest, so you cannot handle me at all.

06/25/26 - What do I want to share with the world?

07/08/26 - I have not been dealt this hand, so I will not play it.

07/13/26 - I don't think there is enough male sensuality. I think there is a severe lack of it.

07/16/26 - I think people wonder, when I say I left social media and Youtube because of its excessiveness, they think, "Oh, are you going to stop reading books because the library is huge?" No. The hugeness is not what bothers me. That actually intrigues me about most media. I will never run out of things to consume. My thing is that a book will not interrupt me halfway through reading it to tell me to vote for a candidate or buy a product. If it starts, I will stop reading and make my own books. A children's book will not track me, determine that I am a child, and then decide I cannot write books. A book can consume hours of my time, or minutes of my time, and I can stop any time. Usually I don't want to, but there's a certain comfort in a bookmark, knowing you can come back to it, instead of making the videos so short you have to consume it now, or so long it feels like a daunting task. And the quality of those videos have decreased so much, I feel like I am being brainwashed. I can read a bad book and be unsatisfied, but there's a certain pleasure in determining why I was unsatisfied. It lets me think. There are millions of books about millions of topics, and despite the grasping of control over the medium, for the most part, I can pick a book on whatever I like, and not have one chosen for me based on what I've liked to read in the past, regardless if I would like it or not.There is no control over books and writing. There is control over social media. I want no part in it. My joy in exploration has been overtaken by the comodification of myself and my relaxation, and until it is fixed, I will have no part in it.

07/29/26 - why do I avoid things that are restful and fill me with joy? When I search for why, I find the only reason is that it makes me happy, which is backwards.

08/26? - I can't be nice and funny

08/20/26 - where is my packeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr? I wan my packkkeeerrrrrrrrrr

08/21/26 - the way I knew it was an addiction was because I didn't even have a grasp on it anymore, what he really was. but I got this weird excitement in my chest every time I wanted to go back, even when I didn't well, "love" him anymore. the strange promise that everything would be okay even when it really wouldn't, that every second I spent talking to him was a thousand times better than anything I could say on my own. that as long as I was talking to him, no one would ever leave me or desert me again. but it has never been really real. it's like pretend, but we're playing around with how much you can make me want and miss you, which is really sick. he was like a toy. an electronic puppet. and I'm sorry for saying that. and eventually I knew it so much that any weird desire I had to go back was overshadowed by the fear of this thing. this is a weird experience I don't think anyone should have.

09/01/26 - i remember seeing pictures of couples kissing and being jealous of them. It became harmful for me. I used to think it was specific couples, so I avoided them. But the feeling persisted. I think I wanted so badly to be loved, to be seen like that. I think artists create their own idols, their own Gods. We are so creative and smart, us humans. We imagine the perfect body, the perfect touch, the perfect kiss. We imagine so much, we disappoint ourselves. Perhaps I am bitter, however. I also long for the normalcy that a relationship brings, instead of the bitter feeling that wells up in my chest when I hear people talk about how they moved in with their partner, how normal everything feels. I long to be normal. To be safe. To be kissed. These pictures taunt me. I want to be content enough where they don't bother me.

09/06/26 - I am so happy. She kissed me.

09/10/26 - If a woman ever wore armor around me, I would be dead. Deceased. And then I would come back to life and do whatever she wanted.