My freshman year of high school I took a technology class, and one of our assignments was coding a website. Before this, in middle school and beforehand, I was writing poetry. Instead of eating lunch with everyone else, because I didn't feel very close to any of my classmates, I would sit in the girls locker room and write poetry. I think from doing that I improved my skills and got a lot of my feelings out in the open. It was a way to communicate when I felt so small and isolated, edgy as it may or may not be now. I had pages and pages of poetry, and it used to be on a Google Doc before I printed them out and deleted it in 2026. It's kind of a full circle moment, but now I'm in a poetry club freely sharing my poetry, and it is incredibly enriching.
For that assignment, I wanted to make something different. I think in high school I was always trying to make something different, cool, and a little spooky, because I went to a mostly white Christian school and a lot of...well, everything felt watered down and the same. I think it was because I wanted someone to notice what I was going through. I wanted someone to see me. For that assignment I made a black website with links taking you to 6 different poems that I wrote. It was definitely edgy, but I think I got a good grade. I was, and still am proud of it, in a way, even though I can't access it today, (I don't even remember the domain,) this section of my website is paying omage to that. Younger me, I see you. I hope that you can see me too through these poems, and appreciate the feelings I want to put out into the world.
Not every poem will be on here, as I am writing a book, which I will link here if/when I finish, but consider this page the behind the scenes/extras.
Tears trickle down left over from the thick pillows nailed in my head.
Humidity flows through my veins with the blood from each breath.
I can't see through my glasses
I'm in some misty dream where sleep, illusion and reality are muddled together like mixed play doh.
I wish to sleep but my back has aching strings that drag my through a ghostly state.
I cannot sleep. My thoughts seem to come back and haunt me, more vividly than in the day.
So I continue on.
A soft waltz.
Lights in the rain.
A slow motion whirlwind
Sometimes I think if I close my eyes now I will never wake.
Events pass.
Friends laughter fades into an eerie, surrounding echo.
I still feel quieter.
Every day when I walk to school
When I get there
Josh is always sitting in a chair
I never asked him why he gets to school so early
Or why he slouches
But if everything in my life crumbles
Somehow I feel I can have a comfort in knowing
That Josh will always be in that chair
It was told all its life that it couldn't fly
That climbing a water spout wouldn't do diddly.
But it knew it could.
It knew it could go farther than that old spout.
So it spun a web and soon within
Caught a creature of such elegance,
Such beauty, it was brought to tears.
Its multicolored dress feathered around the creature's slim form innocently
As if a descendant from the sky.
But it scoffed at the spider, saying,
"How is it that I should die such a grotesque death?"
"Why, I am beautiful. And you are a pig who deserves to die."
The spider laughed at its ignorance.
But a small question lingered on the back of its mind
'Am I worthy of this life?'
'Can I do what I know I could, if I had wings?'
'If I could go past this dumb old spout?'
His fears soon melted
When he saw it from the clouds
A rusty speck, barely visible
And the beautiful sun
On a pair of kaleidoscopic wings.
Maybe when I lack the strength to dream
When all that is left are the rotting, smoking sinews of my body
When it is all but ash and nothing
When I cannot raise my face to kiss you anymore
And the futile, silly dramatics of my being are used
Torn and run dry like ideas on ripped paper
When my love for my fellow man and myself
Have faded into apathy and hatred
I will waste my life on a predetermined, stupid existence
Typing in numbers and letters
Cleaning the fecal matter
From your organic body
And somehow you will know
You have chose this for us
We will rot together,
And I will kiss you again.
I worship the unbiased foggy sky
The underbelly of the brush and the dying trees
The bones of the world and the unkindness of the mountain
Occasionally,
One should take time
To care with their minds
To appreciate Earth's corpse
Before it is revived again with spring.
My intestinal tract weaves around my body
A snake looking for a meal it cannot be satiated with.
I feel grease leaking from my pores into a deep puddle I will soon drown in.
My tongue feels longer.
I pant like a dog would.
I chew on a piece of my teeth.
I chew
I chew
I chew.
Crunch.
My eyeball sinks to the bottom.
In my growing reflection I see a mass of unrecognizable flesh.
I am not enchanting or intriguing.
I am a spider skittling across the ceiling.
Disgusting, silly, and confusing
You shudder when you see me.
But not in the way that I like
I want to be a little inviting
I want you to feel the need to pour your warmth and kindness onto me.
A spider would die under the weight.
when she speaks my heart flies
and then I was suprised
that she would touch me at all
pay me any mind.
she makes me feel mad
angry and crazy
this beautiful lady
makes me want to beg
and I haven't begged lately
or at all.
oh, godess of strange
teach me your ways
do not let me believe it is limerence
touch me again
or just be my friend
right now I want to be here
in each instance
you know something i don't
and even if you won't
humor me with the time of day
i wish you the best
i wish you happiness
and the warmest and easiest days.
perhaps i will rot.
perhaps i will not.
with this spell you have placed over me.
i will look up above with a breath
Today I will learn to just be.
cool mists of time and thought was over me
like a bad smelling beach on a meloncholic day
I know that this
The embrace that nature holds me in
After a long day of existing
This is also living
In its stark contrast and flavor to euphoric joy
Or melting plearure, or searing anger
I am not afraid of it.
I will not blend it into other feelings.
Footsteps through rocky and uneven sticks and earth
Bugs eating at the supple, salty flesh of my ankles
Trees towering over me,
Without the light shining through.
Like bars or guradians.
I do not feel trapped or intimidated.
Amidst the strange sadness there is strange lust and strange anger
An urge to run and bite and claw
An urge to lay down and finish while the woods watch me
But the strongest is silence.
Out of respect for the world.
How dare I taint anything with an outburst.
One thing I love about this world, is it knows this.
It watches me all knowingly at every turn.
It knows the essence, the passion, and the stupidity of my being
And it doesn't hate me.
I can't say it encourages me either
But love is evident through every leaf and wave of the ocean and cell of my body.
Enough to breathe again.
And I will return.
There is nothing that special about you
You are small
You are something to hold
Small expensive beast
I shouldn't care in the least
But you warm up my heart when its cold
I wonder about you, your eye bags
How a thing with no brain comes to be
Djungelskog, you are not very special
But you're very special to me.