05/08/26 - So here I am, trying to work on my website. It is very bare bones at this point. A part of me feels overstimulated at all of the fancy websites out there. Some of it feels like a whole different world that I may never understand completely. I think it's still possible to find beauty in things you don't understand. I see community here, and it comforts me. I want to be a part of it, but maybe I am already a part of it. I think that's imposter syndrome, really. This is really fun, and another thing I absolutely love is that I don't really have to follow the "rules" of what makes a good website. I don't have to worry about fitting in. Another thing that kinda worries me is if I put a comment box or something in I'm just going to get a bunch about how stupid this site is so far. I think I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me. (P.S First blog post ever yayyyy)
05/13/26 - WATCHING GOOD OMENS S3 OH MY GOD AZIRAPHALE WITH LONG HAIR THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT. I will update when I'm finished.
Update: I cried, but mostly because it was so lovely. I couldn't have asked for a better ending. Some parts were a bit rushed, but that is to be expected because they were cut for time. I love how God was written, I loved the beginning scene and OF COURSE I loved the ending. I noticed how cool the bookshop door is and I never noticed that before. I was already working on a Good Omens shrine, I will put more info there but there will be spoilers. Oh, I just can't believe it's over. I loved the omage to Terry at the end, rest in peace. It may not have been the best ending, but it was a good one. It was bittersweet and I loved it.
05/18/26 - This weekend was wonderful. Last Thursday I went to Get the Gig with my sibling, my mom, my aunt, and my uncle. It was quite crowded. The whole idea was it was a "battle of the bands" type thing. I went once before to see Chapped Lips. Readers of this blog may not know, but I knew one of the guitarists of Chapped Lips. He played for my school's choir when we did a Queen Medley. I swear that time felt straight out of Glee sometimes. Anyway, there were three bands at this one: Dance Bullies, Social Cig, and the...Plutonians? I think? The last one won. I was sad. I wanted Social Cig to win, because they threw pool noodle cigarettes at us. It was so freaking cool, and I caught one. That night was also Vegan Burger night at the venue, so I got one. You literally can't even tell it isn't meat. I've been thinking about going vegan for a while, I might talk about that another time. I also had 2 cupcakes and 2 mimosas. I really like to eat, okay? So partially tipsy I bought a CD to support Social Cig, and I asked if they could sign it, I ended up getting all of their CIGnatures. Ha. Haha. I will review that and put it on the CD page when I get around to it. They were very cool. On Saturday my family spontaneously decided to go to some yard sales. The haul was very good. I got a hat, some magnets, some DVDs, a few board games, bunch of cheap stuff. I did some bargaining, it was great. The last house we stopped at there was this older lady who lived in a gorgeous but slightly run down house and was running the yard sale out of her shed. I absolutely loved this woman. She was reading newspaper on her computer and was giving away perrenial seeds and talked to me about each one. I also bought a garden index from her for cheap. Me, my dad, and this lady must have talked for 15 minutes about animals and plants. I want to be just like her when i grow into more of an old man than I already am. Finally, on Sunday my family went to a Gluten Free Festival. My sibling has celiac, so it was wonderful to see so many other people with celiac just coming to share the joy of food together. It rained a bit, but it was fine. I didn't eat too much, but I had the best cold brew I've ever had in my whole life. The foam was amazing. Funny enough, Social Cig was performing there too! I tried not to make too much eye contact, because I was feeling a bit socially awkward, but it was fleeting. Overall, had a great time this weekend!
06/25/26 - I have been ruminating on what I want to share with the world, specifically the question "What do I want to share with the world?" It's tough, because right now I don't really know. I have been blessed with a myriad of talents and abilities and sometimes it feels like none of them are useful. I have said this before. I know it's not true, I know I am just in kind of a waiting period right now, but it sucks to feel useless. It's funny, because that isn't even a hopeless question, it's a doorway to new ideas and possabilities. It just feels hopeless because I don't know the answer yet. I am enough, and what I have done is enough. I'll get there.
06/28/26 - So this weekend, I went to my city's pride, and it was an interesting experience. In my past prides, my first was amazing, my second I didn't get to go to because of the weather, and my third I left half way through because I started crying. I feel like a coward for doing so. Like I feel like a fraud that 75% of my experience at pride has been me feeling bad about myself, but that's the way it is. I am trying to be strong for my brothers and sisters and siblings who need me there, (I'll get into this later) but one of the main things is that I feel so alone. I started crying because I went to the festival by myself. And as pathetic as that sounds, it really hurt for me. My first time I was really trying to enjoy myself and find groups to hang out with, but I felt so awkward. That's how I feel every time. Awkward and out of place in my own community, and I often feel like I just have to power through it. I try every year with increasing courage to encourage my parents to come, because at least having my parents or my sibling by me would make me feel less alone, but they always say no. My parents are Christian and homophobic, and I know my sibling is queer, but they're going through their own journey and I am giving them space. So this year happens. I decided I would spend this pride giving bracelets to people. One of my biggest memories of coming out was I was still in the Christian faith, because that's how I was raised, and I had thought I was bi, but was convinced that I was confused. However, at the time I was dating a boy, and began to discover that I was on the asexual spectrum. I figured this was okay because it wasn't against the Bible, and I figured it even made sense. I had other friends who were partially or all the way out at the Christian school that I went to, so during the beginning of pride month I made kandi for all of my friends. That was basically what I was trying to do this year. Kandi was the gateway into me being who I really was, and I wanted to do that for the other people at pride who might have been there for the first time. Help them feel comfortable and seen. Well, I come to the event and most of it was lovely and nice. Like every year I felt like a stuck out like a sore thumb, but I felt more confident. Like because I was giving people something and serving I felt like I had more of a place, and the love I had for this community made me feel a lot better. One amazing thing that happened was I bumped into the person who harrassed me in high school for being trans when I wasn't at the time, in a full beard and shaved head and everything. Turns out they were friends with one of the drag queens that was performing, and either they were trans or a drag king. I felt nothing but joy and pride for them. I was happy that they felt they could be in this community that loved and accepted them with open arms. Several children took bracelets from my area, and I had a wonderful conversation with an allied father who had a bi wife and a pan daughter, and I nearly started crying while he was speaking, because he had so much love in his heart and his daughter reminded me of little me. He also liked Squirrel Nut Zippers and I have NEVER met another Squirrel Nut Zippers fan in person. I also met someone else with no social media who made zines. I gave him my number and asked him to send me one. I truly hope he does. Anyway, as I was preparing to leave, there was a horde of children on my blanket, and I quickly tried to corral them so I could get home on time. The parents around me were helpful, but they both called me she, and I felt a pang in my heart as I finished packing up. Also the person next to me who I was trying to make friends with seemed to be thankful I left. As I walked to the bus stop, I felt my heart sink in my chest. This was also the first year I could've attended the adults-only afterparty. I didn't go, even though I wanted to before. I had imagined myself before the event dancing with all of my queer brothers and sisters and siblings and having a great time. But I hate parties. I met two people at these things who had problems with noise and overstimulation, and I remember in my head going, "Well, that's stupid, this is pride. We're supposed to be partying and dancing." And I think that's a very wrong thought of me to have. I don't know what pride is "supposed to be." Most of the time I have spent there has been feelings of being an outcast in the one place I am supposed to feel welcome, and in that moment it just kind of hit me that I spend all this time thinking about what's "right" and "correct." That this is a protest, we're not only partying but we're defending our rights to live, and I want to fight for every single boy and girl and person like me. But all this time I have been spending trying to help other people feel comfortable, I have kind of forgotten that I should be feeling comfortable too. Maybe it has been me who has been pushing myself away. It's not like what I was doing was wrong, I love helping people. But maybe next year I can have a quieter approach to pride. But it hit me that night that I don't look like a boy, even to the trans mother of those kids. My mustache was colored in with mascara, my binder is a sports bra because I don't hate my boobs all the time, but people at my job, in public, even here, take one look at my breasts and they know who I am. I used to say, "What does it matter what I think if the majority has decided something else?" Which I know is wrong, but sometimes it feels like everyone knows I am just pretending. But I am not. I am a boy. I felt numb going to sleep that night. Today I decided to go through my memories and old stuff because I am persuing minimalism, and I wanted to get rid of some stuff. When I went through my baby pictures, which I had only touched once, I started to cry. The fluffy little head of my toddler self looked so inexplicably like a boy. I had never noticed that before. Every picture, I bawled harder. No one had ever told me I looked like a boy. In fact I was very feminine and wore girly clothes. But it was my face, the way my hair was naturally short at first, my first short haircut because I "wanted it short". I cried so hard at that one, because I just plainly looked like a little boy. I never more wished that I had been born into a different family, into a different life, one where I was a happy boy, who could have grown into a strong, kind man, instead of who I am, someone who has to carve it into existence. I want to say that it's privledge, one that I will never have. I refuse to give up however. One thing I did inherit from my father is his unwavering strength, that has slowly become my own. I will carve my manhood and my happiness out of scraps with blood and teeth. I will fight and claw until I can crawl into a cave I have built with my bare hands and rest there. And maybe then there will be others I can take under my wing, and we can create safety together. This is the future I want. This is the pride that I want. Maybe not for myself, but for others. A comforting, safe one.